We're set

Its been just a little over four months since mom and I have lived together. It took a lot of getting used to, but I feel like we're finally set. I think she has grown accustomed to being with me. We have created our own daily (sometimes nightly) routine. It took a lot of compromise (mostly on my part), but we've done it. I think she has accepted this as her home. Sure she still says that she wants to go home, but sometimes it means she wants to go to bed. Sometimes it means that she is just bored. All in all, I feel that she is mostly happy to be here. I am happy that she is here. I tell her that everyday. She loves to hear it and she says, "God bless you child."

Family

I hosted a family gathering on Saturday. We were celebrating my son's 31st birthday. I had a great time. I was happy that almost everyone was able to attend. We shared a great meal, lots of laughs, a movie, and birhday cake. We where all laughing and enjoying each others company. Mom was having a good time too. While eating dinner, mom said to no one in particular, "This is my family".

Tears

"What is this, why are you crying?" I asked. She says, "I don't know". I hug her. She says, "I feel sad". I ask "Why?" She does not know.
Mom has many faces. There's happy when she's singing and dancing. There's grumpy when she's a little mean. There's nervous when she's feeling anxious. She has many faces. I can handle all of her faces, but my heart aches when her face is sad. I wonder what is going through her mind when she is sad. She tries to explain what she's feeling, but it's all mixed up. She just cries. It want to know what makes her cry. I do not want to see her tears. I don't want her to be sad. My heart cannot take sad. I say a silent prayer while we hug. Please Lord take away my mother's sadness. Take away her tears.

Dance

Chickchickychickchickychick....That's the little song mom sings when she's doing her little dance. Mom loves to dance. She dances to any music that's playing. She even dances to music on commercials between her favorite tv shows (Family Feud and Are you smarter than a fifth grader). She likes to yell out the answers during the shows and dance to any music in between. When there is no music she dances to her own little tune. Chickchikychicchicky Chickchickchick..........

Moody

Yesterday my son, my daughter in law, and my grandsons came to visit. Josephina was in a great mood. She was happy and excited to see them. She was happy to see the boys. She even snuggled up against my daughter in law while watching a movie and took a little nap. It was a great day.
Imagine my surprise to find Josemeana at 3am this morning. She was angry and complaining about something. Josemeana was like a mean drunk. Her speech was slurred. I could not understand what she was saying. I told her to sit down while I got her some water. She drank the water. I told her to get back in bed. She was still mad. She did not want to go to bed. She said she was hungry. I know from experience to let her cool off on her own. I left her bedroom and went to the kitchen. I made some oatmeal for her.
Josephina walked up quietly to me smiling. “Is that for me?” I said yes. She said, "Thank you, God bless you." I smile. I'm getting better at dealing with Josemeana.

Second Wind

I went to my daughter's church last summer. The pastor taught about getting a second wind. He defined a second wind as an increased energy and strength after feeling tired and week. He said that God gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. He went on to say that sometimes God lets us rest. While we rest, we reflect and we worship Him. He lets us rest because what He has for us to do next will take all of our strength.

Before I got my mom from the nursing home I was rested. This is my second wind. I was feeling weary but I will not complain (anymore). The Lord is good to me, and he will give me strength. I know that I can take care of my mom. I am going to make it because I have made it in the past. Praise be to God!

"I want to go home"

She wants to go home. We have been up since 4am. It seems early but if she goes to bed at 8pm, then 4am is a reasonable wake up time. The problem is that I did not go to bed until midnight. Most nights I go to bed at 10pm or earlier depending on how tired (frustrated) I am.
My mom was living in a nursing home for 3 years. Everytime I went to visit her there, I was overcome by feelings of guilt and shame. All the time she was in the nursing home I was living in Florida. I visited Chicago about 4 times during that time. The thought of my mother being in a home bothered me. I finally got the courage to come to Chicago to get my mother out of that place. She now lives with me.
Have I done the right thing? Was she better off in nursing home? Was I better off when she was in the nursing home? She is always saying that she wants to go home. Taking care of my mom is overwhelming. In the nursing home there were people that took shifts. They were able to take a break. They had people that prepared the meals, others took care of medication, others baths, and another set of people that took care of the cleaning. I have been doing it all! After a long day, when she says she wants to go home, I feel defeated. When is she going to realize that she "is" home?

Yeah!

Mom is standing in front of the tv, "yeah, aah, ahh, ahh, mmmm"
I look at her, "What is it mom?"
She looks excited, "I just got a car!"
I say, "No mom, the person on tv won a car, not you"
She's still hopeful, "then what did I win?"
I change the channel.

Music soothes

Listening to Selah-You deliver me..........
Me, "You like this music mom"
Mom, "Yes, I like it"
Me, "Keda gave it to you for Christmas"
Mom, "Where? When was that"
Me, "When she was here on Christmas Eve"
Mom, "Oh, OK"
............Glory to his name........

Singing Praise

There is one thing that Josephina loves. She loves to sing praises to God. On a good day like today, she can sing and pray and praise God all day long. She likes it when I join her in song. I don't sing as well as she does, and sometimes she teases me about my singing. Today was a good day. I pray that tomorrow will be also.

I'm here Mom

My mom remembers her date of birth, where she was born, that she has 3 children. She remembers her children's names. She remember that she has brothers and sisters. She remembers their names too. She does not remember that I am her daughter. She calls me her sister, but I'm not sure which sister. Some days I'm her sister Carmen. Other days I'm Teddy. Sometimes I'm Ana or even Mamita (her mom). When she prays she gives thanks for "the people in this house". She tells me thanks all the time for anything I do. She is grateful. She does not know I'm her daughter, but she knows that I am here for her.